Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce

5 Responses to “Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce”

1. Barbara Owens-dewitt
   December 15, 2009 at 10:41 am

   Not only is Ms. Marquardt bias and judgemental she is joined in her limited scope with the 10/5/05 reviewer whose comments depict lack of common sense. I suggest they both read, “The Three Questions” by Jon J Muth based on a book by Tolstoy of the same. It must feel good to these two individuals to know that they know what is best for all. Perhaps they should ask themselves the same questions and still feel as though they can speak for an entire world.

   Rating: 1 / 5
2. Michele Diamond
   December 15, 2009 at 12:47 pm

   First, let me acknowledge that I haven’t actually read this book. I wouldn’t spend 2 cents on such a biased pro-right account of the effects of divorce on children nor would I take the time to drive to my local library to get it! I’m writing this “review” however because I’ve heard about this book, read the descriptions & the reviews others on this site have given it and feel someone has to provide some objectivity here. People tend to read & write books that express their own bias & experience & may not know of the other wonderful books on divorce and children that give an objective unbiased account of divorce. One such book is We’re Still Family by Constance Ahrons, another one is Mavis Hetherington’s book, “For Better or Worse” and there are many more. I want to implore people to read a variety of books about children of divorce before forming their opinions.
   
   Divorce is never a great thing, but often times a necessary thing for both the adults and the children when a marriage has gone wrong. As a psychotherapist who specializes in the area of divorce I see the real thing everyday. Yes, children are impacted by their parent’s divorce, how can they not be, but it doesn’t have to be a long-lasting negative impact as this book purports. It all depends on how the divorcing parents handle it. If the parents continue to fight, put the children in the middle, bad mouth each other, & do all the other things that many divorcing parent’s do, they’re likely to get the negative results described in the book. However if the parents stay married & act this way the results for the children wlll be equally as negative! It’s not divorce in & of itself that creates the serious problems, it’s how the parents handle it. When parents handle their divorce in a mature way, deal with their anger, hurt & sense of betrayal without letting it spill over to the children, do not bad mouth the other parent & do not, most importantly of all, argue in front of the children, children of divorce will do just fine. (Again, read the books previously referred to). Parents CAN do this & MUST do this for the sake of their kids & if they’re having difficulty taking the high road,they should get help to learn how. After all, if you know this kind of behavior will hurt your children, why engage in it? Ask yourself: do I hate my ex, more than I love my kids & let that guide you. (And if you do hate your ex more than you love your kids, get help right away!)
   
   Children of divorce can be perfectly healthy, happy children-it’s up to their parents and the responsibility of their parents to insure that this happens!
   
   Rating: 1 / 5
3. S. Miller
   December 15, 2009 at 3:29 pm

   Another book that is often read after the fact. This book should be required reading in premarital counseling, marriage counseling when children are involved and certainly before two parents make the final decision to divorce. The book has many valid points that are not unobvious but are probably not considered in depth by parents who are about to uproot their children’s world. I have read a few books on the subject and I myself am a `child of divorce’. Although these books have valuable information in them I believe they enable a `child of divorce’ to blame many of their problems on this fact. I think most if not all children face some kind of hardship and quite honestly, if the only hardship you face is a `good divorce’ I think you are still a very fortunate individual. Compare it to poverty, debilitating illness of a parent, death of a parent, addiction (child or parent) violence, sexual abuse, etc. and you are still ahead. Research shows that children of divorce are not any more likely to have a lasting marriage then their parents. This says to me that their parent’s divorce did not negatively impact them enough to change the path for their own children.
   
   Obviously, an intact healthy marriage is the ideal way for a child to grow up and I do not condone divorce, but we don’t live in a perfect or even ideal world. This book and others I have read on the subject leave little hope for a `child of divorce’ to get past this and create an enabling attitude. They state you will be forever affected by your parents’ choice. Affected-yeah, but immobilized-no! No one gets to pick their parents and I am sure there are countless numbers of children who would trade places with `children of divorce’ and would wind up much better off. If parents contemplating divorce read this book first it would be up them to decide if this is something they `need’ to put their children through. It should certainly be avoided if possible but avoidable or not, once a child grows up they have a responsibility to themselves, their spouse and their children to deal with past hurts, disappointments and devastations. Call it callous but at what point do you just say `get over it’? You can’t change it. You can only control your future and that of your children.
   
   Rating: 4 / 5
4. Jennifer Lynne
   December 15, 2009 at 6:14 pm

   I respect the effort Elizabeth Marquardt put into this book. However, the book repeatedly turns away from any statistically significant data and instead returns to her own experiences as a child of a “good” divorce. She opines that many divorces aren’t necessary, and that the suffering of many children of possible future divorces could be avoided. The experiences she describes that children of divorce are honest and real: every divorced family I know experiences exactly what she describes, no matter how “good” the divorce was (secret keeping, who is “right”, making adults of children, feeling they must choose one side or the other on different issues, no sense of truly belonging or feeling settled due to visitations, differences in each home environment regarding school or religion or family, etc.). However, Ms. Marquartdt also completely bashes “happy divorce talk”, with which I strongly disagree. Divorce is not going to go away. Yes, consenting adults who married and had one or more children together should examine their potential decision to divorce long and hard. All biological parents are not created equal, however, and those who choose to leave an unfulfilling marriage likely have significant personal issues to work out that have nothing to do with the kids. There are many stepparents, stepsiblings, stepgrandparents, and blended families with happy children of divorce. Biological parents do not innately make better parents. The “happy divorce talk” written is to make the best of a decision already made, to teach adults how to communicate better, and —-MOST IMPORTANTLY— discusses how adults can keep children out of awkward emotional situations. In my professional and personal life I have seen repeatedly that the children are subjected to adults’ insecurities and whims, usually over issues concerning who wants control or who must be “right”. I think the book, instead of bashing “happy divorce talk”, should urge all divorced parents to get counseling in order to find happiness and peace within themselves and to learn to think before they unnecessarily burden children of divorce.
   Rating: 3 / 5
5. Ryan J. Starks
   December 15, 2009 at 6:47 pm

   Motivated by her own childhood experiences, Elizabeth’s in depth research into the effects of children of divorce is truly groundbreaking. Her focus is on those who are outwardly successful, with college degrees and professional lives and the like. Her national study shows that though they are successful, they still carry great effects internally as a result of years of growing up “Between Two Worlds.”

   For those who themselves grew up a child of divorce, for those who know someone else who did, or for those who will be working with couples thinking about divorce, this book is for you. It will allow you for the first time to see the divorce from the child’s perspective rather than that of the adults. As a child of divorce myself, and for all the insights I received through this book, I give it my highest praise.
   Rating: 5 / 5